Thank you for the good wishes.  Believe it or not, it helps to know you're thought of.  Grief is such an odd thing.  At times it's like a stone that whaps you upside your head and others it's as ephemeral as a sunbeam.  Today has been an ephemeral day.  Small snatches of memories keep intruding into my day.  It's ok.  They bring smiles and gentle tears. 

We had dinner with my brother and his family yesterday.  He has two children whom I adore.  They are smart and funny and so like their father when he was a child.  He's 10 years younger and I often feel like I helped raise him.  My parents were kind of "hands off" and not always in a good way.  One of my fondest memories (and this is weird but so illustrative of our family as I was growing up), was once when Rick (brother) and I were watching television.  I was all of 19 so he was 9.  A tampon commercial came on and he asked what it was.  I was home from college and had textbooks on public health and sexuality so I pulled one out for him and showed him what tampons were for and how they were used.  I only gave him as much information as he wanted and he was satisfied.  When I finished, he said, "oh.  Mom wouldn't tell me.  She said I didn't need to know".   Then and there I resolved that if I had kids, nothing would be answered with "you don't need to know".  How insulting to be told that your curiosity is unimportant. 

So, my kids asked everything and if we didn't know the answer, we looked it up.  They still do.  They're some of the most inquisitive (nosy) people I know and to me, that's a good thing.

We had burgers and dogs and sat around and talked.  Kate and Patrick brought Kobold over and he ran around like a mad dog chasing the kids.  It was a lovely evening.

We got home and I pulled out the evenstar and prepared to put in the finishing stitches.  Yes, you read it right, the FINISHING STITCHES!  I did the last repeat and grafted it together and did a terrible job.  I was so unhappy with it that I started to pick it out and made a mess.  I lost stitches and because the thread is so darn thin, it broke.  I was so upset last night that I put it away and went to bed.  As often happens, the solution came to me in that half asleep state where your brain seems to work independently.  I got up this morning and before I showered or ate, I tackled it again and voila.  Here she is in all her blocking glory. 

It's so warm here today that she'll be dry in time to take her to Emily's house and I can get a modeled shot.  Pk called this my "nemesis" and in many ways he was right.  I have been working with this piece since January.  Although the first clue was released in Feb, the swatch was released early and I had such a hard time with it.  I'm so glad I didn't give up then or when the circular cast on was kicking my butt.  I'm not sure where I will wear this but I certainly am proud.  The grafted edge is still visible and far from perfect but I can live with it.  It proves that although I am far from perfect, I can still do good work.

I keep hearing sirens out the window and thought there was a fire but then I remembered the Memorial Day parade.  Our town has a small parade and we haven't gone since Em was in the marching band.  I don't usually think of it.  Em and Kate both have friends serving in the military.  It feels like a torch has passed to the next generation.  I hope they do a better job of keeping the peace than we did.

But enough ponderous thoughts.  It's a lovely summer-like day here.  It's on its way to being hot and sunny.  I made Bells' carrot cake and it looks like it will taste yummy.  I think I used a too large pan and it's not as tall as I'd like but I think it'll be pretty rich so it's all good. 

If you're celebrating the day, Happy Memorial Day to you.  If not, and you're at work, I hope your day is a peaceful and prosperous one.

That layer of adults between me and ultimate adulthood is one very special person thinner today.  My Aunt Joan died yesterday.

Joan was.......I've started this sentence three times and am not sure how to proceed. 

Joan was my aunt, my friend and my girls' grandmother.  I was going to say "grandmother substitute" but in reality, she was their grandmother in all but name.

When I got married and my parents pulled away and put distance between us, my Aunt Joan did not.  She loved me and my little family wholeheartedly and we returned the love.  One November when I was calling to make sure she knew she was expected for Thanksgiving, she said, "Of course I'm coming.  Where else would I go?"  She remembered that I love coconut custard pie and would always bring one.

Aunt Joan was my link to the past.  She told me the family stories that my mother always seemed to be reluctant to tell.  She told me about when I was a baby and what a hard time I gave her when she babysat (my mother was a single mom and lived at home when I was born.  Not a common occurrence in 1957). 

She told my girls stories that I didn't remember.  She let my cousin move home after she lost her job.  Not an uncommon thing?  Well, how about with her 18 cats? And as much as she didn't like the cats (she likes cats, just not 18 at once), she kept them for as long as she could after my cousin died last year because my cousin thought of them as her kids. 

She made tins of cookies every year for the holidays and candies.  She made wonderful chocolate candies and always put away a box for me.  She hasn't been able to manage them for a while now and I guess I'll have to pick up that baton and run with it. 

The last few years have been tough ones.  She had pulmonary hypertension and breathing became difficult.  The last time we talked, she was optimistic about a new breathing machine that would deliver more oxygen.  It didn't take much to turn her lips purple and sap her strength.  We kept hoping for a miracle but they are in short supply. 

She went quietly and softly.  And we'll bury her with a pair of brightly colored handknit socks on her feet.

Sorry for the radio silence but we have been so lazy around here. 

Day one of our long weekend, we both felt kind of grumpy and tired so we spent doing hobby related things and trying not to move around too much as the weather had turned hot and humid.  It was the kind of day when your skin feels all sticky and itchy.  I worked on the beads of the edging until I couldn't stand looking at it.  Still not done.

Day two dawned clear and humid but there was a breeze and Pk got up early and worked out and then took my car through inspection.  Here in NJ, the state runs inspection stations and you take your car there (with your proof of insurance and newly renewed registration) and let them look it over.  They check the brakes, suspension, tires, etc.  My car is 16 years old and I wouldn't have been surprised if it failed for something.  It hasn't failed before this.  Today it failed. For what, you ask?  Because the switch that turns on the high beams isn't working properly.  I can't remember the last time I used it.  Pk is looking into buying a new switch and installing it.  If I go back within 30 days, I don't have to go through the full inspection, just the part I failed. 

I got up feeling very "female" today.  Headachy and crampy.  I took some advil, had some chocolate milk (the real breakfast of champions) and worked on some socks.  I am halfway done the foot of the Fire socks for Pk and I started a pair of cotton blend socks in a burgundy/pink/grey/purple self striping yarn in the Sock Wars pattern that I liked so much.  I didn't do any beaded knitting until after dinner. 

Pk is looking for soccer games to watch.  I don't enjoy them but he loves them. Loudly.  He yells and claps and thoroughly enjoys the experience.  This is the weekend he and Kate and El are going to see the USA and Turkey play in person.  They are so excited.  The weather is supposed to be perfect.  I bought the tickets so long ago and the weather has been so quirky lately that we weren't sure.  They can take sandwiches with them if they're wrapped in clear plastic but no beverages of any kind.  They will be forced to pay stadium prices for water or soda.  At least it won't be a scorching hot day. 

My brother invited us to come over while he "chars some flesh on the  grill" on Sunday.  I haven't seem them in a while so we accepted.  He does a good job at the grill so it's not like it's a hardship.  I usually take some desert which involves strawberries and whipped cream.  It's a calories be damned kinda thing.  No one complains.
Monday, we're heading to Em's for more charred flesh.  My family loves grilled foods. I'm taking the carrot cake with me.  Unless it doesn't come out.  Then we'll stop and buy an ice cream cake on the way.

Pk and I like to buy new vegetables when we shop.  Last time, we bought an Asian squash.  At least that's what the guy at the store said it was callled.  We peeled it and them put it on skewers and brushed it with olive oil and some herbs and put it on the grill.  It was good.  I'm not a big fan of squash but in an effort to eat more veggies, I ate it.  The yellow squash we put out there was good, too.  I know I need to eat more fruit and vegetables but I just have a hard time doing it. 

We've been expecting a thunder storm all afternoon.  The NOAA (natl oceanic and atmospheric agency-the weather people) said it would be a doozy with hail and thunder and winds.  So far, nothing.  A brief spurt of rain (30 seconds worth) and now I'm seeing some lightning off in the distance and some far away thunder.  It won't matter.  The front is coming through.  The temp has dropped 20 degrees in the last few hours and tomorrow we'll be lucky if we get to 60 F (15.5 C).  Right now, it's comfortable and cool.  It should be good sleeping weather. 

I saw my doctor for my check up and my bp is fine.  He reassured me that it was ok that I have not lost any pounds yet after all these weeks at the gym.  He asked "how do you feel?".  I told him I felt pretty good.  No more lower back ache and more energy overall.  He said that weight loss would come but for now, my body is building muscle and that's not a bad thing.  And he said "keep it up". 

And so we shall. 

If you're celebrating, Happy Memorial Day!  It's our traditional "first weekend of the summer" but usually too cold to swim.  It won't stop people from flocking to the beach anyway.  Me?  I'll pass.  I'll wait until the summer has really started and I don't need to huddle under a blanket on the sand.  No beach/lake for me until later in June.  Have a good weekend.

What I did this weekend.
by Donna Lee

Friday night Pk and I had a delicious dinner and did some shopping for necessities.  (We spent 60 dollars on underwear for him and that was on sale!)

Then I got my hair cut and recolored my roots.Something I should keep in mind.  "don't go get your hair cut when the weather is hot and muggy".  I was uncomfortable with all the hair on my head and told her to take it off and cut it close to my head.  She did.  It'll grow back.  Nuff said.

Saturday morning, I packed up my gym bag and we headed to the gym where we spent an hour and a half sweating and working our muscles.  I felt positively virtuous as we left there.  That feeling carried me to Produce Junction where we bought some fruit and vegetables and some bedding plants for the front garden.  That virtuousness carried me right into McDonalds where I consumed a hotcake and sausage breakfast.  It was yummy.

Next stop was the grocery store where we bought our two weeks worth of groceries.  I try to shop only twice a month and load up the freezer.  We usually need to get milk and sometimes bread in between but we do pretty well.

Then it was home to put away all those groceries and to do 6 loads of laundry.  Pk grilled some squash and some beef and we had the season's first corn on the cob. 

Knitting was accomplished.  I did several repeats of edging on the shawl but it doesn't look like I've made any progress.  I know this black hole.  It's the same one that you enter when you've been knitting a sweater back and no matter how many rows you do, the piece does not grow.  I remind myself that one day, I'll pick it up and realize I'm almost done. 

This morning we got up early and went to the buffet for breakfast.  We bought the NY Times and the Philadelphia Inquirer and spread ourselves all over the booth and read and ate.  It was wonderful and no one had to clean up afterward.

Then we went to Pathmark (again) to get the cream cheese and self rising flour to make the carrot cake that Bells raved about last week.  I'm going to make it for Memorial day and take it to Emily's house.  I was going to make it today but we do not need that big old cake sitting here.  I would feel bound to eat it.  I'll save it for dinner with Em and Jim.

We picked up some stuff Pk needs for sharpening his tools and then I came home and took a nap.  I am now involved with my almost constant companions.  That's my little bead box.  I regularly drop beads all over but if I'm good and remember to push the lid slightly closed between rows, I don't spill quite so many.  That wooden handled tool there is the crochet hook I'm using.  It's such a tiny thing but very effective.

Pk is planting the tiny coleus and vinca we bought yesterday.  It's been raining in 30 second bursts all weekend.  Really weird.  It's humid but cool.  With a few weeks of sun and rain, we'll have a bed full of purple coleus and little white flowers.

Dinner is in the crockpot.  Well, most of it it.  We're having Jambalaya.  It's a sausage stew with shrimp in it.  It's so easy to put everything in the crock pot and then put the shrimp in at the end and cook up a pot of rice.  It smells garlicky and good right now. 

It's been an overall good weekend.  Just enough work to make it feel like we accomplished something and enough leisure to feel like we relaxed.  We're only working Monday and Tuesday this week.  We took the rest of the week off to coincide with the long Memorial Day weekend here.  I am really looking forward to it but I know it will be hard to pay attention at work for those two days.

Pk, El and I must have picked up some virus or else we all ate something that made us sick this past week.  We had intestinal/stomach issues and felt really tired for a few days.  Fortunately, it seems to have passed and we're all fine.  I hadn't realized how tired I was until I didn't even want to turn on the computer.  It was just too much effort. 

I hope you all are feeling fine and chipper and ready to face a new week.

Your horoscope for May 18, 2010

Do not automatically think that beauty always has to be defined by old-fashioned standards, donna lee. It is time to set your own definition. There is no need to squeeze yourself into some socially constructed mold that doesn't resonate with who you truly are. Your job is not to try and make sure that everyone loves you. There is only one person you need to satisfy, and that is yourself.

I get the horoscope in my email (from msn so you know it's true!) everyday.  I read it for fun.  Most of the time I'm either going to host a gathering at my house with some lively discussion or my "ship is going to come in"  (which I'm still waiting for).   Of course I beilieve it's all true.  Ok, I don't.  But I do find it entertaining.

Today's however was interesting because it's not so much a prediction as a reminder that we are all uniquely beautiful and that trying to be the tall, willowly person I see in my mind is not likely to happen in this lifetime.  I have come to peace with my body shape.  I am not tall (5'4) and I have short legs.  I have an average build and am carrying extra weight that is slowly shifting with the addition of the exercise to my life. 

Am I Vogue material?  Again, not likely.   I see women everyday on the train who are not just pretty but beautiful and I wonder what it's like to be them. What is it like to look in the mirror and see physical beauty staring back?  I'll bet they see their own flaws as easily as I see mine and maybe they don't see their own beauty.

 I am, however, human material.   I have a good heart and I tend to open it to everyone.  I am loving and kind and the older I get, the more I am satisfied with myself.  I have a long way to go until I get to be the person I envision (and, sigh, she will not be tall or willowy) but isn't that what life is all about?  Growing into your best self?

Just for today, I am going to walk around as if I were beautiful.  I am going to project beautiful vibes and I am going to smile at people as if they were the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen.  Wanna bet it'll be a good day?

It's been a peaceful weekend.  I spent yesterday doing laundry and dozing and knitting/beading the shawl.  Except for the laundry part, today was much of the same.  I haven't left the house and I'm surprisingly ok with that.

After dinner tonight, I set up my  Mother's Day gift from Peter Kevin.  If you're a spinner, you'll recognize a yardage meter.  I try to estimate how many yards of yarn I've spun by counting the times I've wound it around the niddy noddy but I lose count and then have to start again.  Frustrating.  I have wanted one of these for a long time.  I ordered it Sunday night from Knitpicks and it came on Tuesday!  This is my first measured ball of yarn.  It's 108 g and 580 yds.  It was so cool to watch the numbers go by as I wound the yarn cake.  It's measured in feet so when I got my final numbers, I divide by 3 and have yardage.  Now I have some idea of what I can make with the yarn.

I have managed to finish several repeats of the edging for the shawl.  It was enough for me to see how it's going to look when it's done.  It's so pretty!  I chose to leave off some of the beads and have only 3 rows instead of 5.  It was too heavy with the two extra rounds.  It's tedious going but is moving faster now that I've got the hang of it.  Pk keeps saying he doesn't see any difference but it would have been so obvious when we blocked it.  It wouldn't have stretched evenly and neatly.

I'm listening to Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett and it's laugh out loud funny in parts.  I have tried to read/listen to Terry Pratchett's Discworld series but can't get into it.  I've also tried other Neil Gaiman books but wasn't enthralled.  This one, however, has been a joy to listen to all weekend.  Imagine losing the antichrist.  The poor demon. 

It's gotten so still.  It feels like a storm is coming but there isn't rain forecasted until Monday night.  Friday night we were sitting in the bedroom and a thunderstorm came up.  There was one crack of thunder/burst of lightning that made me scream out loud.  I don't scream in a lady like manner, either.  It was a loud AHHHHHH!  We were afraid it was a transformer out back or a tree.  There were sirens for a while after the storm so I guess something somewhere got hit.

I'm goint to put away the beads and pick up something else to knit for a while.  Pk is playing Left 4 Dead (a zombie killing game) and we're just relaxing.  Tomorrow will come so soon.

Evenstar Update.

After I admitted to ripping out the 5 repeats of the pattern and I was knitting merrily along (although at a slower than slow pace.  Beads take time), I had a niggle at the back of my brain.  I seemed to remember Susan (pattern designer) saying that there were 56 repeats of this pattern.  Well, as I was going, it was only going to be 28 repeats.  I had one edging repeat for every pattern repeat.  One row of edging per live stitch of shawl.

Because I am an optimist, I finished the repeat I was working on and decided that maybe I should re-read the directions.  And there it was.  One sentence that changes everything.  Each live stitch is used for one RS row AND one WS row.  Shit.

I stretched it out and pinned it and with 8 or 9 repeats done, I could see that it was not going to block out well.  There would not be enough edging and it would pull too tightly.  I sat there stunned.  How could I have missed something as big as this? 

Pk said, "Will it really make a difference?  Can you leave it this way and call it a design feature?"  (I love him).  Unfortunately, I can't.  So, I got the Ott light and a spare circ and started to rip out the stitches.  The hard part was making sure to pick up all the live stitches and corral the beads.  I put all the live stitches on a second circular needle and then transferred them back to the original needle so I could make sure I had all of them and that they were correctly positioned on the needle.  I put all the beads back into my little bead box and put the whole thing into its bag to wait for tonight.  I'll try again.

This time, I'll re-read the instructions and do it right.  Sigh.  This project is a real test of my patience.

Well, I ripped out the 5 repeats of the edging on the evenstar.  (but you knew that, didn't you?).  5 repeats = 100 rows= 250 beads. (each row is 20 stitches or less so it's not like it was a 650 stitch row) Gone in less than a minute.  It was depressing but that feeling of having made the right decision was there.  I have since recouped the loss and have done SIX whole repeats (I know, a speed demon I'm not) and I am in awe of the beauty that I have created.

As a knitter, I am always unsure of my work.  Because I am entirely self taught (having no one at the time who knew what to do with pointy sticks except to poke dead things with them), I often doubt myself.  It never stopped me from trying anything but I am always sure that everyone else's work is somehow better than mine.  Does this make sense?  I have this sneaking suspicion that I am doing inferior work and no one wants to tell me.  (this probably stems from growing up in a family where nothing was praised or appreciated-nothing was ever really good enough, including me). 

  When I look at this project I am filled with pride and nerves.  Pride that I maneuvered the sticks and string to make something so beautiful and nervous that someone will find fault with it.  I am inching my way along the edge and admiring it as I go.  I have learned so much from this project and not just technically.  I also am learning to trust myself and my abilities.  Maybe it just comes with time. 

I spent the last two days in a training (Choosing Psychiatric Rehabilitation Goals) and made some good progress on the Fire Socks.  I am 2/3 of the way down the cuff of the second sock.  I introduced two  people to knitting in the round.  Both thought it was a kind of magic until I explained the whole idea of only working with two needles at a time.  "That doesn't look so hard" was the common answer.  Of course it's not too hard.  If it was that hard, would people do it for relaxation? 

This training was interesting, psych rehab is my field and I am fairly familiar with most aspects of it but it's always good to learn something new.  I also came to the conclusion that I am old.  I think I was the oldest person in the room and as I listened to the others ask questions, I was amazed at how much I knew just from being older and being in the field for so long.  It made me realize how much I actually KNOW without having to think about it for a long time.  For the first time, I realized how much expertise I have.  It felt weird. 

Today, I'm back at work.  There were only 4 messages on my phone.  None of them urgent.  That's way better than I expected.  I am looking forward to a quiet weekend and if it doesn't rain, I'll wash windows and curtains.  It's time (already!).  Last weekend we got the summer clothes out and the temps immediately dropped to wool-socks-and-sweater weather.  No complaints here.  As long as I get to see the sun once in a while, I'm ok with the cooler temps.  I'll continue to work on the edging.  Only 49 more repeats to go. 

I thought I'd show you what the Evenstar looks like at this point.  This is three repeats (of 56!) of the edging.  You can see the beads in the photo but not how they shine and add a lovely shimmer to the shawl.  It's not difficult to add the beads using a teeny tiny crochet hook.  I've managed to spill the beads more than once even though Elanor lent me a small container with a lid to keep them in as I'm using them.  It's slow going but it looks good.  I've found two mistakes and am now trying to decide if I can live with them or if I should start the edging over at the beginning.  I am up to 5 repeats which means I have used up 100 live stitches of the edge of the shawl. 

I also started my Travelling Woman.  It's made of Cascade Heritage sock yarn.  Isn't the color pretty?  It's shades of blue and some deep purple.  The yarn is nice to work with and the pattern is wonderfully quick and easy to memorize.   I started it last weekend and worked on it on and off all week.  I am working on chart A and will make it as big as I can and use up as much yarn as I can of the two skeins I have.

This is how I keep track of where I am in a pattern.  These are those little sticky things that you use to show people where to sign.  I like that it has an arrow and is easy to point to exactly where I left off.  I started using them with the Evenstar and decided I really like them.  They're easy to use and move around.

Today was a lovely day.  I got up and Pk went to the bakery for donuts and then made me breakfast.  I sat and worked on my knitting while he cleaned up.  Emily and Katie came over with their wheels and we spun and knitted and talked until they told me that we were all going out for lunch.

(Now, an aside here.  I am adamantly against going out for meals on holidays like Mother's Day.  It is often too crowded and not enjoyable.)

Pk decided the best gift he could give me for Mother's Day was a day with my girls.  He was right.  They made reservations at a local restaurant known for it's food and it's ambience.  The four of us went and had a wonderful lunch.  Well, dinner.  They didn't have a lunch menu so we had to choose from a dinner menu which was a little heavy for mid day but delicious nonetheless.  I thoroughly enjoyed the outing.  And decided that maybe it wasn't so bad to go out for a meal after all.

The lys closed within the hour so we chose to come home and spent the afternoon quietly together.  Kate went to Patrick's house to spend some time with his mother but Em stayed for dinner.  Pk grilled some steaks and because we weren't terribly hungry, Em and I shared one and sent the other home for Jim.  She's on her way home now and hopefully won't get stuck in too much traffic.

I'm so proud of my girls.  They are the light of my life.  They seem to actually like each other (and I know from experience that that is not always the case) and get along well.  I saw love between them today and that more than anything else makes me happy.  They're down to earth and funny.  I couldn't have asked for better company for the day.

Whew.  The allergy meds are finally kicking in and I feel like I can think .  It only took until 11 o'clock this morning for this to happen.  I have been sitting at my desk and feeling so fuzzy headed. 

Things have been quiet around here.  Everyone is well and healthy.  Knitting is happening.  The weather is spring-like which means sometimes it's really warm and some days you need a sweater and wool socks.  Pk and I are going to the gym regularly (and I'm listening to Janet Evanovich while I work out.  One of the Stephanie Plum novels which take place in New Jersey.  They make me laugh out loud as I'm lifting weights.  I'm sure that looks odd) and are feeling good.  We realized the other day that neither one of us has had lower back pain (which was pretty much a constant thing) for over a month.  It just went away and we didn't notice at first.  I am giving credit to the exercises for this.  The health professionals always said if you strengthen your abdominal muscles, your back will hurt less.  They were right.

Mother's Day is this Sunday here in the US.  It's the first year since my mom died and it feels a little strange.  Not that she and I celebrated together because we didn't.  Just that she's not here.

  I'm fortunate.  Pk will let me do whatever I want for the day.  He'll cook and clean up and generally let me sit around and knit or spin.  And he'll remind me that I am loved and cared for.  I'll think of all the people for whom this is a painful time and send out some healing thoughts for their sore hearts.  It has become something of a "made up holiday" but I think the notion of reminding people to be thankful for all the 'moms' in their lives is not a bad one.  There were (and are) several strong women that I am thankful to know.  Not all of them are related to me but all are important. 

Hopefully, I'll spend some time working on the beaded edging for the Evenstar.  It's a knitted on edging and I had such a hard time getting the hang of it while working on the Wildflower.  I'm hoping some of that hard won knowledge will have stuck in my brain and I'll get this one a little easier.  And I'll be knitting with beads! Like Roxie, that thrills my inner child quite a bit more than I expected it to. 

Well, I have to finish my yogurt and then eat my fruit and granola and drink my milk (sounds disgustingly healthy, doesn't it?) and get back to work.  We have a mandatory meeting this afternoon and I would like to get some work done before it saps all my will to live. The sun is shining and it looks like such a nice day.  I feel like a little kid with her nose pressed up against the glass.  In just 3 hours I can go out there, too. 

And tomorrow is Friday.

Happy Star Wars Day!

May the 4th be with you.


I wish I had thought of this myself but I read it online and thought I'd share it.  It made me laugh.  But then, I tend to be simple minded sometimes.